Wednesday, 6 January 2010

No, it's actually just because I'm lazy

There are a number of excuses that I have over the years found work well for explaining why you have failed to do an arse's stroke of work to complete the vital tasks necessary for maintaining the continued well-being of your job/life/relationship/pet's health/new range of ketchup-based haircare products, and have instead spent the time eating biscuits.

These range from the medical; "I cannot possibly work today, because my ingrown toenail is preventing the flow of blood to my brain and forcing me to watch pointless Australian soaps as the only form of data-upload my cortex can currently handle", to the guilt-inducing; "Well of course I'm going to start work, it's just that the death of low-budget pornstar model/actress Chichi Mustache as reported on E News! five minutes ago has affected me so badly that it's taking me a while to overcome my grief enough to put down my mug of comforting arsemint-flavoured 0.5 mega calorie imitation-chocolate-related beverage and get my fat arse off the sofa", to amateur pschiatry; "I think the reason I find it so difficult to start work is because when I was seven my parents made me clean my room before I was allowed another helping of prune pudding with jam and sausage sauce, thus instilling in my subconscious a deep-rooted suspicion of any task that requires the performance of actual work without the presence of a dessert-based incentive scheme."

Slightly less successful can be the aggression method; "Work? I'll give you f**king work. How come I'm the only one who ever does any sodding work? You might be a bricklayer by day and an ice-skating cocktail waiter/ninja assassin by night who performs brain surgery for disadvantaged gerbils in his lunch hour, but I spent two hours this morning plucking my belly button hair I'll have you know, and I never get any effing appreciation in this house". The effect of this method can often be enhanced by combining with the gender-inequality approach (also known as the inappropriate-and-self defeating-distortion-of-feminist-principles-for-momentary-benefit approach); "Well why should I have to work, you misogynistic pig? Emmeline Pankhurst didn't chain herself to some fence somewhere so that you could force me into slave labour with your outdated, offensive views on equal gender contribution. This is the 21st century, don't you know that emancipation now officially means my right to do whatever I damn well please and then blame you for all the negative consequences of my own actions?"

However, topping the list are my personal favourites - recommended if communicating with your boss, anyone outside of your immediate family circle, or anyone who does not have a reasonable excuse (such as fathering your children, or an outstanding arrest warrant) for not poking you in the face with a stick - of "I was planning my timetable", "I was considering my options in order to best maximise my efficiency and utilise my time accordingly", or any combination of these basic suggestions which uses words longer than three syllables arranged in a repetitive sentence containing no actual meaning whatsoever. This brand of excuse work best when accompanied by a detailed and painstakingly complex chart or calendar demonstrating when and how you plan to actually start doing any f**king work, preferably one that is coloured in very, very neatly. The self-sustaining genius of this particular range of excuses is that when you miss the specified start date of your project or task due to the overriding priority of having to stay in bed to watch the new episode of Saturday Kitchen that has that irritating and greasy bloke who isn't Anthony Worrall-Thompson making pies out of dog turds and rancid butter, another prolonged delay is then required while you redo the original chart to incorporate the new start date, slightly readjust all tasks and deadlines, and then of course have to re-colour everything in. If done correctly, this type of excuse can last almost indefinitely.

However, none of these excuses are the reason why I haven't posted a blog entry recently. I'm just fucking lazy.